Writer Twunts ask “What have you published?” meaning “Is your novel on sale in bookshops?” If your novel is not on sale in bookshops Writer Twunts assume you are not a Writer. As you are not a Writer you are irrelevant to them.
Writer Twunts email the bookshop you work in and ask why you aren’t stocking their novel. They come into the shop and ask the same. They DEMAND you stock it. If you have a social media profile they will add you on Facebook and Twitter. They will only ever communicate with you to ask why their book wasn’t in the shop when they came in.
Writer Twunts will actually send emails that say “I don’t think you realise who you are dealing with.”
Writer Twunts like you to organise events for them. They will have a long list of things that Have To Happen at the event. They will act as if they are famous. They are not.
(Famous Writers tend to be polite. Famous Writers usually say thank you for your support. Some send chocolates or cards or copies of their new novels to the bookshop. Writer Twunts send in nothing except their ego.)
Writer Twunts will send passive aggressive tweets saying “Thanks for stocking my book. Why isn’t it front of store though? Could you fix please?”
Writer Twunts will complain that you only have 3 copies of their book in stock.
Writer Twunts imagine that if their book is in the bookshop, then people will buy it. Writer Twunts will blame you for not prominently displaying it when nobody buys it.
Writer Twunts will loudly announce that they are a writer as if you have never met one before. As if you aren’t friends with many, many wonderful writers, none of whom are twunts. They will expect you to be dazzled.
Writer Twunts think it’s ok to fill your twitter/facebook feed with endless self promotion.
Writer Twunts will ignore you for most of the time. When they want a review, or an event, or their latest book in store, they will contact you, without embarrassment, and expect you to be happy to help them.
Feel free to add your own experiences of Writer Twuntness in the comments.
Sara Crowley 
Thanks Sara – some useful tips wrapped in humour!
Writer Twunts will spam your inbox with emails instructing you to share how great you think their book is on every kind of social media. They will then spam you over and over again demanding to know why you haven’t, why you no longer follow them on Twitter and finally kindly give their honest appraisal of your own writing and why it isn’t as good as theirs.
I spent a year working at the ticket barriers at Waterloo Underground station. On one occasion, a woman was making a terrible fuss because she had traveled without a ticket and was being given a penalty fare. ‘But you can’t do this to me,’ she told the man in the ticket office. ‘I’m a writer!’
Glad you enjoyed, Lane 🙂
Fiona – So true! Ugh.
Andy – Really? Hilarious. A special, scary breed of human.
Writer Twunts think a book blogger should show adoring gratitude for the free copy of their book the Twunt sent them in return for a review, even though the Twunt doesn’t follow the blog and has never interacted with the blogger.
Writer Twunts write their social media posts in the 3rd person so they seem so busy that they have to have a PA. “Want to meet Writer Twunt this weekend? She’ll be at Twunt Bookshop in Twuntville this Saturday!”
Writer Twunts respond to every negative review of their book on Goodreads/Amazon to defend it.
Thank you for your spot on contributions, Monique 🙂
I’d like to add that I’ve had people ask for reviews/blog interviews and they’ve not even sent me a book. So, can I buy a copy of their book, read it, review it, promote it…for the sheer pleasure of promoting a Writer Twunt? Unbelievable.
Sara, check your Facebook other folder…