1. What would your superhero power be?
Invisibility – I’d ruin David Cameron’s life with it.
2. You are wallpaper. What is your pattern?
No pattern. A dark hue.
3. What is your default pub drink?
Beer/red wine winter. Cider/larger/rose summer. Beer if I had one choice all year round.
4. Who would play Jon Michaels in the film of Vulgar Things?
I dunno. Don’t much like actors.
5. Bacon VS Tofu – who wins? Why?
Tofu. See below.
6. Have you ever had a nickname?
The rather unoriginal ‘Bacon’ at school (Rourke rhymes with Pork). And a few others.
7. Do flowers scream when you pick them?
No, they howl.
8. Who is your favourite Neighbours character?
Henry*. Was he called Henry? He had curly hair.
9. Would you rather be a bee or a wasp?
Bee. The noble Bee.
10. Did you have an invisible friend when you were younger?
No. I was jealous of people who said they did. Still am.
11. What did you do last Saturday night?
I was drinking good wine in France.
12. You hold a dinner party and can only invite writers. Who do you invite?
Writers are boring. It would be boring. I’d cancel.
13. What is your favourite sea?
The Thames Estuary.
14. What is your favourite swear?
Oh, all the Germanic ones.
15. Who is/was your unlikely crush?
Unrequited love’s a bore.
16. What colour is Tuesday?
Black. Like every other day of the week.
17. What makes the wind blow?
18. Do you have any recurring dreams?
No. Maybe. Dunno.
19. Will there still be books in the year 3,000?
No, don’t be silly.
20. What question should I have asked you?
My favourite colour. You forgot to ask me my favourite colour!
* He wasn’t really my favourite, just the only one I can remember apart from Kylie and Jason and Toadfish – all of whom I disliked.