Weekend Nature Ramble by Matt Kinnison

I am kinda astonished that it has been 4 years since Matt died. It feels both long ago and very recent. I send my best wishes to Matt’s friends and family, and I send huge, squishy love to Matt. This is a piece he wrote for our joint LiveJournal:

Yes, time again for my weekend nature ramble. Regular readers will note that i was right in my last bulletin about the early pine cone migration. Mr.C. of Whitford reports seeing them as far afield as the bus depot where they were scamming tourists for change. Two words: Global Warming!! In happier news, the stone lions outside the library have flown away by themselves…i don’t believe that they suddenly became light and decreased in mass, but favour the now rather old fashioned theory that everything else got much heavier. I don’t expect to see them again until the leaves turn yellow. Or Autumn, whichever comes first.
I wonder if anyone else has heard the unmistakable song of the Albino Plate Finch? You have to get up very early, but your dog will appreciate the walk without a lot of other dogs about. The Finch has a unique high trilling punctuated with bull like roars and old fashioned car horns.

?????? ~ DID YOU KNOW ~ ??????
i) Sea horses have no internal organs but are filled with a rich putty that hardens like iron on contact with the air. Their only natural predator, crispy ducks in an orange sauce, drag them to the surface of the pond but are unable to return to their nest of larval young with the catch as the increased weight makes it impossible for them to fly.

ii) Ears are a natural Macaque repellent, as are melons, if thrown with sufficient force.

iii) Keep cats off your lawn by living at an appreciable distance from any cats.

iv) Before bullets were invented, soldiers used to shoot snails from their muskets.

v) Horses are colour blind. That sofa with those curtains!!!

vi) Komodo Dragons used to walk about on their hind legs like retired sea captains, but the paucity of tables and plethora of large newspapers in their natural environment forced the remarkable evolutionary change that sees them flattened “For Broadsheet”, to use the Naturalist’s lingo.

vii) Henry VI, Henry VII, George III, Anson Williams and Pope Gargantua II were all hatched from eggs. George III kept the bits of shell from his and consulted them about matters of state.

viii) The Italian word for Cuttlefish translates as “Shoes”.

ix) In marked contrast to sea horses, the stately Tree Almond has far too many internal organs, the surplus of which it carries in a pouch.

x) Cat skeletons can still walk, given sufficient motivation.

Congratulations are in order to Ms. Phlegniss for her convincing win in the Potato Salad Dressage event at last month’s Fish Wash. We couldn’t fit mention of it in last week, with the sad news about Roy “Gate” Arnold taking up so much space, but no less do our envious thoughts turn on her like a tank turret.
It seems that back bacon is back in local schools. The “I’m Backing Back Bacon” campaign has bought back back, backed by local councillor Roger Bax. The slogan “Bax Backs Back Bacon” and the Backing Back Bacon campaign itself raised awareness and made bringing back bacon back an issue, particularly after so much streaky.
Errata: This story appeared last week under an erroneous headline which actually referred to the return of a kidnapped toddler (“Baby Got Back”).

Those of us lucky enough to have the soil for growing “Living” Cucumbers should start talking to them now, as it is nearly pox season, and they will need to be got under polythene and lectured about naval history until late May. While you’re doing that you might want to re-seal the beading on the chicken whips, as the frost will have taken it’s toll, and tie up the pie husks, noting that bundles of THREE are now standard. Thank you, Europe!
Finally, the night sky. Mr. V. has contacted me to point out that the constellations “Donkey” and “Supermousse” are both high in the east around midnight. They are immediately below and slightly to the left of the planet
Asda, which is very bright at the moment. Note this year’s “Flapper’s” Moon is three quarters full early on account of the extra season added to the calender. Thank you, Tadjikistan!

Comforting and ultimately infantilising nostalgia masquerading as post modern, corroborative and knowing irony:
“The 70’s : Aren’t Spangles Funny?”

Matt Kinnison 2006

    5 thoughts on “Weekend Nature Ramble by Matt Kinnison”

    1. Thanks for commenting, Vanessa. He was hilarious, witty, and smarter than anyone. I feel lucky to have been his pal and even luckier that when I miss him too much I still have all these fabulous words he wrote. He completed a novel actually, quite in the style of this Weekend Nature Ramble – and I've never known where might be interested in it.

    2. Woah, I can't believe it's 4 years… big internet weirdo hugs to you right now. I actually didn't know about the novel – how amazing! I hope he worked his Turkish coffee recipe into it somewhere.

    3. Hilarious. Such great writing. Reminds me of the supercool George Saunders, whom I love. Feel all weird and 'grief gatecrashery' now, but Matt sounds like he was also super cool. Hope you're okay, Sara. x

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