Things to do vs things I want to do vs life.

In my brief “About me” bit on this blog I have a list; mum, wife, writer, friend, woman, sister, daughter, bookseller, bitch. They are the describing words I came up with to sum me up. They tell a tiny bit about me, but not much beyond the roles which I have at the moment in this world. This is a writing/reading/bookish blog of sorts, and I did once have a Live Journal as well, in which I dumped the daily stuff. I have ditched the LJ, and carried on with this. I like the fact that the day to day of my life has no place here. Only sometimes there is nothing but the day to day in my week, and so there’s nothing to say. It seems futile to mention that this week I have read nothing, written nothing, achieved nothing. But that’s a version of the truth.

The other version is this; illness, pain, sadness, behavioural difficulties, need, cleaning, washing, emailing, phoning, attempting to soothe and ease and assist and nurture and help, eating, drinking, sleeping, wiping, hoping, loving, talking, hugging, kissing, holding, nurturing, crying.

I am exhausted, and I have a headache and I really must clean the bathroom and Dyson because I’ve got work tomorrow, and I’ve got forms to fill out and paperwork to do, and all the niggly stuff that crowds my mind. But whilst I do those things, in my head I shall be working on a story idea I have, about a woman who is not me, a woman who is nowhere near as lucky as me. And next week I may just get the space to write it.

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Whoo, I wrote something!

At the kind invitation of Vanessa Gebbie (blog link over there on the right) I took part in my first ever flash writing thang on Thursday. She emailed myself and some others at 9.30 with 10 “prompts” and we had 45 minutes to write something incorporating 1 or some or all of them. It was blooming brilliant! I read the prompts, felt a bit weird and clueless, looked at the time and realised I was wasting it and needed to get writing. I picked the first prompt as part of my first line and only had a vague idea of where I was going to go with it, then I just sat and wrote. Me! Me who sits and procrastinates for hours before doing anything! I managed an entire short story. (Very short, just over 500 words.) I didn’t know how I was going to end it before I got there, and truthfully it seemed almost magical, an end came. Time up.
The good thing about sending everyone else the story is that the time is clearly logged on the email, so no cheating!

I was nervous about the whole feedback thing, me to them, them to me. I just plunged ahead and sent my thoughts and then hoped they were received ok. I didn’t hear back from one woman and hope I didn’t do anything wrong.

I felt so glad that I had been able to tap into the writing part of myself, if allowed again to participate, oh wow, count me in. I loved it.
I was all buzzy and smiling for the rest of the day, I even cleaned my blinds, a much hated chore that I have been putting off for ages. The creative/domestic balance harmonised for once.

Grr argh!

Chip and pin; people, come on, at least give it a fucking go. It’s been months since it’s introduction, surely by now you know what is expected.

Blimey. I mean at least try eh? Don’t just stand there and look at me as if I’m shit and fling your card across the counter at me so that I have to lean right over (and I am short so it’s a big stretch) to your (the customer) side of the counter to insert the card into the machine whilst you gaze off into the distance as if its all vaguely beneath you. Or worse, speak on your mobile phone until I ask again for you to enter your pin before it “times out”, then tut and tell the person on the other end to hang on whilst you do me the favour of pressing those mystery digits into the box of wonder.

Sigh.
This is me at least 20 times a work day.
Yes, they are all different aren’t they [smile], I don’t know why they didn’t make them uniform [smile] The chip has to go in the slot. No, the other way, [smile], no, the other way [gestures a flip movement with right hand].
Sigh.

Pumpkins, big ones!

In the Observer music monthly this week there was an article on alternate careers that various famous musicians have embarked on.
Jim Martin is now a big pumpkin grower. No, I should rephrase, he grows enormous pumpkins and enters them into competitions. Big, sick, Jim Martin, formerly of Faith No More (the mighty, majestic band who influenced well, a gazillion other bands, none of whom can compare.)

I have copied this from bbs.bunglefever.com/

The former rocker works in a property management company with his family. For six months straight though, he spends every spare moment tending the gourds. The only other crop he grows is peas. Why? “I love peas. I stand out here and eat them,” he said. “They never make it up to the house.” Martin lives with his wife of four years, Rain, and their 2-year-old son, Napali. Martin could never grow such huge pumpkins without her, he said. “I bring him beer and cigarettes,” she said, laughing. “From the time he’s home until he goes to bed he’s out in the patch. Whatever he’s doing in life, he focuses on it. He’s happier growing pumpkins than being in the office. He likes to see them grow and likes going out on his tractor.” When it’s time to remove the pumpkins from the patch, it takes the help of more than a dozen people. Rain Martin cooks stew and pumpkin pies for them, and keeps the beer flowing, all while chasing Napali. Most of Martin’s friends and relatives don’t understand his passion, but fellow competitors do. There is a community of about 20 serious growers in the Northwest who Martin sees at contests and conferences. The Martins are quiet about Jim’s 1980s and early’90s rock days, but the secret got out anyway. “People are mentioning it to me,” Martin said. “I didn’t want it to get out, but it did, so what can you do?” Martin likes to live in the present. “It took a lot of time to recover from those years,” he said. “It was an awful lot of work. No weekends, no settling, no family. You hear about how glamorous being in a successful band is, but it’s not everything you might think it would be.” Martin looked toward his patch again and said, “Music is what fit then, this is what fits now.” He comes from a long line of farmers and was interested in big pumpkins since childhood. “I’d see them on TV and think, ‘I wonder if I could do that,'” he said. He’s been growing pumpkins for five years and was successful almost immediately. It takes an incredible amount of work from May through October. The pumpkins can grow up to 30 pounds a day, and the tangled mass of vines around them can each grow 2 feet a day. The pumpkins are fenced off from predators and are protected by a tent at night. The pumpkins Martin grows taste great, but the big ones can’t be eaten; the poisonous pesticide he uses is systemic. “I look at them and sure, I feel satisfaction,” Martin said. “Growing these isn’t all that different than what I used to do in music. If you want to be good you have to give it what it needs.” And you also need good soil. Martin said he has the best in California. “Isn’t it obvious,” the generally serious man asked with a grin as he looked at his award winning pumpkin. “I mean, there’s the proof.” 1,087 pounds of it.

There’s something so wonderfully nutty about this. I love that he only grows peas and pumpkins, and gets completely obsessed for 6 months a year, just taking his tractor out and watching them. I mean, think about that, he watches pumpkins grow! And he says he used to watch big pumpkins on tv and wonder if he could do that. How supremely random an ambition. Dude, I grew an oversized vegetable. Yay.
I am fascinated with people who devote themselves to one specialist area. Jim Martin…big and sick, I salute ya!

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Books, bags, bossy folk who hold grudges. These are the tiny grr’s.

COFFEE

There are major changes afoot at the bookshop. We are to have a coffee shop! Personally I buy in to the whole American idea of books and coffee. Ever since watching “Ellen” when younger I longed for a similar experience. I adored the sarky coffee guy, and the quick humour of the whole staff team. It may even have been one of the reasons I aspired to being a bookseller. (After watching a dreadful film starring Molly Ringwald as a tour leader in a museum I vowed to get similar work. I worked in museums for 8 years, until I had my twins, obviously I am easily swayed by idealised pictures of how things could be.)
There are mutterings for and against. The idea of sticky fingers flicking through books is one that fills me with horror. I like my books pristine. I have no clue what the policy will be on people taking books from shelves into the coffee shop bit. After all we are not a library. Eek.
At the moment we have had to clear lots of books to make way for the coffee shop, so we have had to reorganise each floor. There are 5 floors in total, and it took a while to learn the location of all the various sections, now my brain feels branded with that knowledge. It is automatic to direct people without thought to the correct areas of the store, and now, we know nothing. Each of us was consulting a list and looking vaguely moronic when asked.
At least 10 times a day I am asked for a customer loo, and have to reply that there isn’t one. Soon I can direct them to the coffee shop one instead of to the Pret a few doors down. Yay!

BAGS

Being environmentally aware (ish) I know that bags are not a brilliant thing. When I do my local shopping I try to take my own (rather snazzy Nightmare before Christmas) shopping bag with. I re-use carriers as bin liners with the vague notion that is helpful. I recycle as much as I can. However, if I am serving a customer I do usually assume that they want a bag if, say, they are buying a large and heavy book, or several books. If it’s just 1 paperback I may well ask
“Would you like a bag?”
And if I do the reply is always a slightly incredulous “Yes.”
If I don’t ask, and just shove it in a bag then a customer will often then say “Oh, I don’t need a bag” and I’ll feel like an idiot. See it’s lose/lose.
We have 3 different sizes of bag, small, medium and large. The large ones are only ever used for enormous books, or for say 6 or more small ones. It’s a heavy duty kinda bag.
Yesterday I had to work with the Bossy Woman. I have only worked alongside her twice in my year and a half at this store. Once was on my second day, and being an older, louder territorial kind of a woman she drove me nuts. She is very particular about how one does things, but I was new and sucked it up until in front of a customer she told me I was wrong when in fact I was right. She had made the assumption that seeing as I was new that I didn’t have any experience with the company. I had in fact just transferred from another branch after working for them for 6 years. I was calm but assertive. She made a big fuss, and called the duty manager who agreed with me. We have avoided each other since.
Anyhoo, yesterday I had to relieve her for her breaks, that’s fine, I didn’t have to work with her. We smiled and made worky small talk. It was OK. Then in the afternoon she was serving an old man who was doddery and shaky when I arrived. She continued to serve him. He was buying 3 big books which I placed in our largest bag. He had a shopping trolley with him so I knew he wouldn’t have to carry them.
“Oh Sara.” she said “No, no, no…put them in two bags please.” she laughed. “Oh dear.” She tutted, she smiled at the customer “I’m sorry.”
I said to the customer “Did you want separate bags? Or is it going in your trolley?”
“It’s just to go in there, thanks.” he said. I gave him the 1 bag, he put it in his trolley. His hands shook as he asked if we had a customer toilet. When I said no, he said “Oh dear, it’s rather urgent.” Bossy Woman left. I pressed the lift button for him and just hope he made it in time.

Pulp net I love you!

Someone just asked for a link to a story I had published at Pulp, so I googled my name and pulp net. Their wikipedia entry came up, and my name. I clicked, and under the listing “One’s to watch” is me!

Squee.

Every time I despair of my writing abilities Pulp somehow comes to my rescue and makes me feel good again. How I love ’em!

The week went where?

Sheez, time has sped up lately, I’m rushing to finish one thing so that I can create enough space in the day to do the next. It’s a constant squishing of stuff.

I have written part of a story this week at least, so I can cease beating myself up for not managing any writing so far this year. It all keeps coming out wrong though. Hurrah!

I really need to get organised. I have some stories that I should be sending out, I love it when work is “out” there, feel like a “proper” writer then. However, my printer packed up just before Christmas (in the middle of printing off my Philip Good competition entry! Didn’t even get to enter.) and there’s no money to fix it right now. Guess I’ll look for some online submissions!

One Last Drink Before Morning.

I have a very talented friend, Paolo Cabrelli, who has co-written a rather brilliant short film called “One Last Drink Before Morning.” It was recently screened at the first London Film Makers Convention, and at the Short Film Festival of India in Chennai, the film has now been accepted by the Cinequest Online Viewers Voice competition and can be viewed and rated on their website. To watch and rate the film you must first register (free) with Cinequest. You can do this at:
http://www.cinequestonline.org/2007/registration/index.php
Then login and go to the Viewers Voice section and select the letter O at the bottom to find the film. Or you can go directly to the film by entering: http://www.cinequestonline.org/2007/theater/detail_view.php?m=1152
To rate the film, you must view it completely and then click on one of the stars at the bottom. One short film will win official entry into the Cinequest Film Festival during each of the following voting periods: February, Mar -June, July – Oct and Nov – Jan. Cinequest Film Festival (San Jotse, California) was recently named the Top 10 festival in the world by the Ultimate Film Festival Survival Guide.

It’s a bit of a faff to sign up and download stuff I know, but it’s well worth it as it gives you access to a huge range of films and info. I hadn’t heard of Cinequest but in their words their “vision” is to provide “a leading-edge means of getting films to their fans while providing additional educational and historical value to student and professional film makers.” which can only be good.

Starting as I don’t mean to go on.

I have been ill since New Year’s day, which is tedious. I am still not right, but today for the first time I feel a hint of getting better. Consequently all my New Year’s resolutions to be more workwomanlike and organised and productive have gone by the by. I have been fit for nothing, and so have watched all sorts of telly tosh.
It’s so very embarrassing to admit, but my love of Oz soap led me to Sky plus “Soapstar Superstar” and whizz through on fast forward to watch Dr Karl from “Neighbours” and Ric Dalby from “Home and Away”. Alan Fletcher (Dr K) is extremely awful. He is so serious and needy. His singing is a Val Doonican/Des O’Connor mash, I will never love the Dr again. On the other hand Mark Furze (Ric) is such a beautiful boy, very handsome and cool and just the type of person I would have had pinned to my wall as a teenager, he can sing well enough so I hope he wins, although probably there is a more deserving winner, a man called Leo who sings very naturally and well. I went off him though because he cried when another contestant was booted off, and I thought he should really get a grip! As I don’t watch any other soap I really have no idea who anyone else is, but none of them seem good!
The other show is of course sleb big bother. It seems designed so that we laugh at the stupid people, which I find offensive. Then the stupid people say ridiculous things (Jade’s mum asked Shilpa if she lives in a shack!). There’s no nobility in ignorance just because it’s working class. The whole thing is manipulative and voyeuristic and utterly engaging. I like to watch and moan, and then see Russell Brand’s show and marvel at his wonderful way with words. He is shiny!

My own way with words is clearly rubbish. I haven’t written at all. I don’t even have a list of upcoming comps and submissions organised. I am useless. I do keep jotting ideas down though, in the hope that at some point in the near future I will mutate into a completely different person and actually fucking do some work.

Review of "A lover of unreason"

I said I’d attempt a review of “Lover of unreason”, and now find I have lost the oomph I had to do so. Meh…here’s what I have in my mind about it right now;
I devoured the book purely because I am a Sylvia Plath fan girl. It was intriguing to read a fuller account of the big, bad glamorous woman who Ted left Sylvia for. (Or was he going anyway? We’ll never know.) However the account was nowhere near as complete as I had hoped. Assia Wevill remains sketchy. A great deal of emphasis is placed on various inscriptions in books that she gave Ted and he gave her. This seemed to be in absence of any more concrete findings (letters and journals of hers disappeared as did Sylvia’s) and revealed not much at all.
At various points we are told so and so then attempted suicide…then blah di da happened, as if attempting to kill oneself was really not too big of a deal. I found that extremely odd.
Ted comes out of it all badly. He appears to have gallivanted around sexing up all and sundry with scant regard for any wife/mistress. He was an attractive man, and all describe him as being a huge and magnetic personality. I take with me from this book the knowledge that the first time he had sex with Assia it was so vigorous that he “ruptured” her, she also reported that he smelt like a butcher. Violence (sexual and otherwise) is alluded to in several places, and he apparently was a complete chauvinist which hadn’t quite come across in any of the Sylvia biogs.
Assia fares no better though. She seems vain and cold. She was apparently unmoved by broken hearts and ghosts, concentrating on what she wanted when she wanted. She was undoubtedly beautiful, and used her looks to secure the attentions of men who in turn did favours for her. She was married three times before Ted came into her life, but then as Fay Weldon commented (she was a colleague) feminism hadn’t empowered women then. If it had perhaps neither Sylvia or Assia would have felt the need to be with a man and would have blossomed in Ted’s absence.

It’s all very tragic in the end. Ted Hughes had relationships of huge intensity with Sylvia and Assia and they both gassed themselves, Assia also taking their daughter Shura with her. How that must have destroyed his soul I can’t possibly imagine.

A colleague remarked that it’s all voyeurism and thus utterly distasteful. I understand that feeling and yet I would argue that knowledge of their lives leads to unlocking of their poetry. In their cases (Plath and Hughes) it is essential for a fuller understanding of their intent. Then that leads me to ponder, do many poets work in that way, mentioning little items that the reader cannot possibly guess the significance of? Is that why I find poetry so cloudy in the main? Hmmm. I know I adore Charles Bukowski because of how clear and simple and true his words, yet there is something so bright and amazing about Sylvia’s words that I loved them before I knew what she really meant.
http://www.waterstones.com/waterstonesweb/displayProductDetails.do?sku=4973127